


Dear Diary

by orphan_account



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Bisexual Engineer, British Pyro, Crossdressing, Every merc is gay, For the smutfest to come, Forgive Me, Humour, Just a touch of spyscout, Kinky Bastard, M/M, Maybe some sexy times later, Medic likes dressing up in a nurse costume, Pyro has a POTTY MOUTH, Pyro is a gay dork, Pyro-centric, Rating May Change, Scout is a classy lady, diary writing, not much, scout is balls deep in the closet tho, written on mobile
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-12 02:03:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3339611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Although he may seem quiet and cute, the snarky sarcastic and flamboyant side of the Pyro lives on in the pages of his diary.</p>
<p>Alternatively called 'The Quest for True (Gay) Love: The Pyromaniac Edition."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: Fixed a few things now that I'm on a computer. One line said that 'Engie lolled at me for a bit', when it was supposed to be LOOKED. Damn you Autocorrect *shakes fist*

Dying felt terrible.

When Pyro received the invitation to RED that fateful day he skimmed it, noting words such as 'fire', 'free medication', 'criminal record clearance' and '10 million pounds' and had signed his life away without a second thought. He did, however, somehow manage to miss the almost unreadable small print full of words such as 'permanent injury may occur', 'no legal rights to sue', 'hiding your identity and/or gender', 'respawn failure' and the most important: 'you will be refused medication such as antipsychotics during battle'.

And, of course, that was exactly what happened. Pyro was given a suit, a new name and told to take his drugs after battle but not before. That, of course, led to quite a few judgement problems.

Namely, in this case, running into and enemy Heavy face-first. After Pyro had woken up from the respawn, feeling like shit with a bad hangover (but with more rainbows), he had punched himself so hard in the face he had to reach into resupply for a medipack.

Waking up from death did grant him a bit of sanity before the unicorns returned though, which was nice. Not that Pyro didn't love unicorns. That would be the day Teufort freezed over.

Anyway, this is getting off point. This pointless ramble was a (not so) short introduction to these facts:

1\. Pyro should read contracts but doesn't.

2\. Pyro is stupid when he's off drugs.

3\. Pyro has a secret snarky narrator side and likes to write about himself in third person. (Because I do, and it's pretty stupid.)

So yeah, me. Who am I? Well, I'm the Pyro, that's obvious. As for my gender, you've probably gleaned that I'm a boy. I'm technically not meant to tell anyone about myself, but hey, it's my diary, and no one's gonna see it. Except maybe Spy. In which case I will roast his stupid French ass faster than he could say 'Mon deiu, zhe Pyro is too handsome and amazing! I feel so inadequate!"

Yeah, about that. Well, first off, I'm not handsome. I still have baby fat, despite being over thirty, I have an ugly scar on my left cheek, I wear dorky glasses and my red hair has a mind of its own.

But, at least I have a British accent, and it's statistically proven that more girls love British boys than French ones, so Spy can go suck a baguette. Of course, it's not like actually into girls. In case you hadn't already guessed by my sass and live of pink things, I'm gay. Like, really, really gay. The definition of gay. May face is in the diction- yeah, you probably get it already.

So, in a a couple pages I've already revealed that I'm a crazy, British gay guy with a criminal record. Yay for me.

Now, I now what you're thinking. Pyro, how can you be gay? Isn't that a sin?

Well, for a start, I'm not religious. I've died many times and seen no pearly gates. Second, I can't help if I see a guy and think- wow, it would actually be really great if he tied me to a table and fucked the daylights out of me. It's just who I am (a weird, insane gay who hasn't gotten any for eleven years.)

On the topic of people I want to violently fuck me until I implode, let's talk about the Engineer. Ah, Engie. My problematic fave. On one hand, he has rock hard abs and is a gentleman and has an ass that I could bounce the entire Bank of England off, but on the other he has a wife and two kids. Yay.

Sometimes I hate my brain, my heart and my cock for falling in love with this guy.

I mean, I can't exactly walk up to him and be all: "Hey Engie I'm really gay for you can you leave your wife and fuck me sideways please and thank you."

But, referring to fact 2 it probably will end up happening when I'm in the horny version of Pyroland (let me tell you that there are no cherubs there. More like shirtless Engineers tying me up and sucking me off).

Well, until next time,

Pyro

\---------

Sometimes I want to fly to Texas and punch Irene Conagher in the teeth. How dare she cheat on Engie! I mean, I was always kinda hoping it would happen but I definitely never wanted to see Engie upset like he is now.

As I'm writing this he's asleep leaning up to me, drooling a bit on the blanket I draped around us, tear tracks still visible on his face.

I asked him who was getting custody of Anna and Billy but he just looked at me funny. He mustn't have translated right because he burst out laugh-sobbing and wouldn't answer me when I asked what was so funny. He was pretty drunk though. Hang on, he's waking up. Got to go.

Maybe I can ask him what the joke was.

Bye,

Pyro.

\----------

ANNA AND BILLY ARE DOGS.

Pyro

\--------

So, a minute ago my mask ripped. I was guarding Engie's sentry he had built yesterday (he was too hungover to protect it himself) and a Spy appeared. I killed him but the sneaky bastard managed to sap a dispenser and cut up my mask.

I guess I'll have to use my spare, but I better hurry back to spawn to change. I can't have anyone seeing my face.

I hope that stupid spy doesn't have a dead ringer.

Pyro

\-----------

He did.

Pyro.

\------------

After my failure with the sentry yesterday, I was sent to guard the intelligence today. Which is a stupid desicison because I had already equipped my Powerjack, which was frankly useless while defending. It didn't even make sense- I was an offence class!

I did, however, find out some interesting news after the end of the match (we won thanks to Engie's defences).

A Demo had managed to almost slice off my left arm before Scout knocked him out while carrying the intel, and I needed to have it reattached.

When I reached the medibay I saw a VERY interesting sight. I'm not going to go into details, but involves the Heavy, a nurse's outfit and the optimistic thought that at least I'm not the only homosexual this team has to offer.

And then there were three.

Pyro

\------

Great. Thanks to my little sneak peak at the Medic's sex life yesterday I had a dream where the world was full of German stripper nurses.

Fuck me. (But not like that. (Unless you're a hot Texan male who happens to have 11 PHDs))

Pyro

\------------

Today's July first. Sixteen days until my 35th birthday. Tada! (I'm pretty old to be a giant gay dork).

In other exciting news, a demonstration was carried out today in New York for, get this- Gay rights! They're calling it a "Pride" demonstration, and boy am I proud. I wonder if Medic or Heavy know? I wish I was there, even though I'd probably be arrested.

Pyro

\------------

I'm not religious, but Engie is officially a god sent from heaven. After he heard about the demonstration he talked to me about how great it was that people were finally doing the right thing and standing up for their rights. He says he supports gays and I was just about ready to kiss him.

And, well, if kinda seemed like the perfect time to tell him I was gay. He looked at me for a bit, smiled, then asked me if I had a boy back home.

I shook my head quite violently as Engie laughed, before asking me if there was anyone I liked.

If only he knew.

Pyro

\------------

Engie told me something today and I'm still milling it over. He and Irene are still technically married even if she stole his dogs (rude) and he doesn't wear his ring anymore, but today Engie told me he can sympathise with me.

At first I was confused- sympathise with what? But then he said it. Those four magic words.

I like boys too.

Now I'm left with the biggest question of all.

Not if Engie likes me, not if he likes someone else, but this:

Did the Administrator just say "fuck it" and hired nine gay people to fight to the death against their clones? Because, when you look at it:

Scout is so balls deep in the closet it's not even funny. No one can use faggot that many times and pretend to be hyper masculine without trying to cover something up.

Soldier is a wild card and has probably fucked a trash can before.

I'm the epitome of a stereotypical gay guy.

Demo was in an "extremely close friendship" (*wink wink nudge nudge they were fucking*) with the BLU Soldier for ages until their break up.

Heavy is fucking Medic.

Engie is into both guys and gals. (His own words).

Medic is, as previously mentioned, fucking Heavy.

Sniper is really lonely and he's a bit of a social outcast- maybe he's trying to hide away?

Spy flirts with EVERYONE.

Just a thought.

Pyro.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's where the Spyscout comes in. You have been warned.

It was a stupid bet, and Spy knew it. 

This week on "Scout's Crazy Theories About Pyro's Identity" was the Alien special. Scout was completely convinced that Pyro was an alien sent to study the team and nothing would sway that opinion besides hard evidence to the contrary. Spy took up the offer to search Pyro's room for three reasons.

1\. Scout would not shut up about it and it was getting on Spy's nerves.

2\. Spy was curious. He was a man that knew everything, about everyone: Sniper was demisexual, Heavy had a strange fondness for peanut butter cookies, and Medic had successfully removed the skeletons of not one, not two, but seventeen Nazi officers before getting caught. Stuff like that. But he had nothing, absolutely  _nothing_ on the Pyro. And it irked him.

3\. He could see Scout humiliate himself in front of the entire team, this time by wearing his mother's dress and pretending to be a "classy lady" for the entire day. Again. It was good entertainment and an angry Scout was a fantastic Scout in bed.   


So, that was why he was rummaging through mound after mound of stuffed toys, most of them slightly charred and smelling faintly of smoke. So far he had managed to amass these facts about the Pyro:

  * They were addicted to Marshmallows, judging by the empty packets of the confectionery scattered around the floor.
  * They also read comic books. Spy recognised a few heroes on one of the covers from when Scout would read his own comics to him. Spy didn't actually pay any attention, but Scout got so excited and Spy thought that was adorable.
  * A few posters of shirtless men were tacked on the inside door of their closet, but Spy wouldn't jump to conclusions about Pyro's gender just yet. If they did turn out to be male, Spy would be amused at the implications of the pictures being inside the closet. A few gay porn magazines were scattered at the base of Pyro's bed (again, Spy knew women read those as well as men).
  * Pyro apparently had an affinity for poodle skirts, suspenders and big, fluffy sweaters that looked at least four sizes too big for the pyromaniac.



Which was all completely irrelevant as far as proving that the Pyro was an Earthling. He was beginning to give up hope when he noticed a book peeking out from inside inside a chip bag. A diary, to be more specific.

Spy opened it, and several grainy photographs fell out. One of them was of a family of four, a mother, father, baby, and a large torn out space where the second child should be. The only evidence that anyone had been in the torn out space was an arm and half a leg still remaining. Spy flipped the photo over. In elegant handwriting, the photo read: Norah, Edward and (name scribbled out) with the newest member of our family, Thomas (last name scribbled out).

The next photo was missing the father, and the family was entirely dressed in black. Spy connected the dots and came to the revelation that Pyro's father was most likely dead. Spy felt a pang of sympathy- he himself was an orphan. Thomas had grown up considerably, and was now a small child with curly hair. The next photo was obviously taken at least a decade afterwards, and the only person in the photograph was Thomas, now grown into a teenager. The person next to him was torn out, and to the side of the teen were two graves. Poor bastard.

The final photo was of two figures, an elderly man and a young man, smiling and making silly faces at the photographer. Spy recognised the young man as Thomas, noting he was splattered with either blood or paint, it was hard to tell in the black and white photo. Spy noted what was written on one corner. "We did it, (scribbled out name). We hope you have a great time at Reliable Excavation and Demolition!". Spy tucked the photos into his breast pocket.

So, Thomas was not Pyro. There went his proof for Scout. Sighing, Spy started to read the diary. This was interesting. It started in third person, but quickly transformed into a slew of swearing and crude sexual references to the Engineer, with the occasional reference to how Pyro was going to brutally torture Spy if he ever stole his diary. Spy wasn't impressed. So, Pyro was a British, gay male currently experiencing sexual attraction towards the Engineer? Scandalous. Spy flipped ahead a few pages, but saw only drawings of rainbows and unicorns, presumably done while Pyro was off his anti-psychotics.

Spy tucked the diary under his arm and fled the scene of the crime.

* * *

* * *

Pyro was going to brutally torture the Spy. Pyro's crisp packet yielded no diary, and, more importantly, no  _pictures._ The only remaining photos of his father and mother were gone, probably inside a drawer next to a case of cigarettes. He ran his hand through his red hair, wincing at how sweaty he was. It had been a tough battle, and the "unexplained" absence of the RED Spy had led the BLU team to capture RED's intel. 

Pyro's last remaining mask had been damaged so badly that he probably couldn't go outside until a new shipment came in, lest his face was seen. Pyro considered briefly how to regain his belongings, before settling on beating the master of disguise at his own game. Pyro had a few civilian clothes, and Spy still didn't know what he looked like. If Pyro mustered up all the acting skills he had, he might be able to make it to Spy's room undetected.

Pyro slipped out of his sweaty uniform, stepping into his private bathroom and drenching himself in a cold shower. He rubbed some shampoo into his hair, making a face at himself in the mirror. God, he hated his appearance. Some might call him cute, but he just thought he was ugly. After drying off, he took out his contacts and concealer. He had mentioned that he had glasses and a scar, as well as red hair, so he had to disguise himself more thoroughly. 

He searched in his cabinets for some temporary hair dye he had saved away for a rainy day. He massaged it into his hair, making sure to use his gloves and not get any on his skin. After his transformation, he gazed at himself approvingly in the mirror. His hair was dark brown, his amber eyes slowly adjusting to the contacts. His freckles and scar had been covered up by the foundation, and he gave himself a wink as he turned to his wardrobe. Looking pretty good.

He picked out a light yellow shirt, with beige pants and red suspenders slung over his shoulders. A bow tie accented the look. He excited the room, making sure not to be seen by any team mates. If he was caught, he could just use his cover story that he was a Mann Co assistant, like Miss Pauling. Pyro's heart was racing as he sneaked around the base. He turned into the common room, hoping fervently that no one was there.

Looking around, Pyro couldn't see anyone. He sighed in relief, stepping into the common room.

And slammed into someone. 

Someone wearing a dress, make up, high heels, and a pissed off expression. Pyro looked up to them, relieved that at least it wasn't a teammate. Still, something about her seemed... familiar. She had extremely short hair for a girl, styled up like an old showgirl, curls slick with gel. She was staring down at Pyro, eyebrows raised disapprovingly as Pyro stuttered out an apology, being sure to use his Irish accent instead of his English one.

"You can stop ya stutterin', I'm not dat mad. Who are ya anyway?" the woman said, her voice a shill Bostonian one. Was she Scout's girlfriend? Sister? 

Suddenly, the Spy materilised behind the woman, causing her to scowl. The Spy gave Pyro a once-over, making the woman to dig her heel into his shoe. He winced slightly as she glared at him. Pyro was ready to leave the room when Spy addressed him with a smile.

"Are you a new employee, mon ami?"

"Oh! Yes, um, hi. I'm Kieren. Kieren Monroe. I'm an intern at Mann Co. You must be...?" he asked, hoping Spy didn't see through his lie.

"Zhe Spy. It's a pleasure, Kieren," the Spy knelt down and kissed Pyro on the hand. The woman bristled, kicking Spy in the shins. 

"Spy, darlin', we should be goin'," she said, tugging at Spy's arm. They locked eyes for a moment, in awkward silence, before Spy leant down and kissed her. She broke the kiss, smiling faintly at the Spy, before scowling and poking him in the chest.

"Screw you tho."

"SCOUT?!" Pyro squeaked out, attracting the attention of Spy and Scout, the Frenchman smug and the Bostonian looking terrified.

"HOW DA HELL DO YOU KNOW DAT!" He yelled, blushing furiously. Pyro gulped, hoping his slip of the tongue didn't give him away.

"Well, I've seen you on the tapes before. I thought you looked kind of familiar..." Nice save.

Scout did his best impression of a dying fish. Spy chuckled under his breath. Scout punched him. Pyro used this confrontation to escape into Spy's room.

His plan was working excellently.


	3. Chapter 3

Spy's room smelt of smoke. Not the kind of smoke Pyro liked, the warm smell of a campfire merrily burning away, but the smell of cigarettes. Despite being an avid fan of fire and all things related, Pyro hated, absolutely _hated_ cigarettes. Ugh. Mixed in with the acrid smell was the faint odour of expensive cologne, the type that probably cost more money than a month's supply of food. Overall, the smell of the room was pretty much expected, seeing as it smelt exactly like Spy did. Honestly, that smell was so strong Pyro wondered how his teammates didn't seem to notice it whenever a Spy was hiding amongst them on the battlefield.

The room was pretty expected too- the sheets on the four-poster bed looked velvet, two plush red seats were arranged around a chess table, and bookshelves lined the walls. Well, it would certainly be hard to find the diary, that was sure. Pyro walked over to one of the shelves, sweeping his gaze over the tomes, looking for the leather-bound and cracked spine of the diary. Most of the books appeared to be written in French, and there was an entire shelf dedicated to the 'Dapper Cadaver' magazines. Who even read those? Mann Mann was the obviously superior Mann Co series. Even if most of it was just dedicated to the men of Teufort half-naked.

Pyro was starting to get nervous. It had been almost 30 minutes since he started searching, and Spy could come in any minute. Pyro was already quite insecure about being without his mask- what if he forgot to properly censor himself on one of his photos? What if Spy already knew who Pyro was, and was leading him on? What if-

Pyro didn't even get to finish this thought before he spotted it. A diary with a cracked leather spine, hidden between two cookbooks solely on the subject of preparing miniature food. Pyro grabbed it, slipping it underneath his shirt as he hurried out of the room, coughing a bit still from the smoke. He had made it. Just in time, too, as out of the corner of his eye he spotted a still-crossdressing-Scout pull Spy inside the bedroom, muttering angrily under his breath.

Pyro let out a breath he didn't realise he had been holding, running a hand through his dyed hair. He turned the corner, hoping to make it back to his base before any more awkward encounters and- Oof!

Pyro suddenly found himself on the floor. Damn it, he seemed to really have a thing for bumping into people today. He quickly made sure that the diary was still safe underneath his jumper before picking himself off the floor. He was about to leave before he noticed who he had bumped into. Great. Just exactly who he had been hoping to avoid today.

Engineer was on the floor, searching for a loose screw or something but damn it, that arse should  _not_ be sticking out towards Pyro like that and- 

"Ah! Found it," he said, holding a piece of metal victoriously in his gloved hand. He barely noticed the blushing man standing up next to him as he pushed himself off the floor, stowing the metal back in the bag he was carrying and dusting himself off. Pyro inwardly cursed himself for not helping Engie up, but knowing how clumsy he was he would probably send them both sprawling again. Engie didn't seem to mind though as he looked up at Pyro, smiling a bit at the taller man's blushing.

"I haven't seen you before, partner. You an employee of Mann Co?" he asked, and Pyro spluttered for a reply.

"Y-yes!" he coughed, "That's me! I'm really sorry... um..."

"I'm the Engineer. It's nice to meet you..."

"Kieren." Pyro was about to have a heart attack. He knew it was stupid to get this flustered over a stupid conversation he was having with a man he saw literally _every single day_ , but this was really the first time Engineer had seen  _him_.  Never mind that Pyro was using contacts and hair dye and a fake name, Engineer was _seeing_ him. And, apparently, looking a little bit amused at the tomato-like shade of Pyro's cheeks and neck.

"Well then Kieren, I hope to see you around. Are you staying long?" Engineer asked, all warmth and humour and dazzling smiles. In reality he was probably just making- quite awkward- small talk with a stranger, but Pyro was 1200% sure Engie was flirting with him.

"Only a week," Pyro squeaked out, and then immediately proceeded to mentally slam his brain into a wall repeatedly. A week? Why had he said that! That meant that he had to spend  _more_ time in this ridiculous disguise. Pyro just wanted to crawl into his purple sweater-unfortunately left in his room- to escape this encounter. He probably could, knowing the size of the thing. Instead he just made a quick excuse about needing to set his room up, before making a mad dash out of there.

He turned yet another corner to see the door of his room, opening it ducking inside his haven, the door slamming behind him. Sweet salvation. Pyro flopped down on his bed, curling himself up in his sheets until he resembled a burrito. Of course, as he was still wearing his sweater it started to get a bit sweaty, so he untangled himself, pulled it over his head, and let the diary fall out. Pyro then picked it up, falling back onto his bed and flicking through a few pages. 

Pyro's photos tumbled out, falling onto his chest. Placing down the diary, Pyro picked one up and gazed at it fondly. It was the one taken before the war, with Pyro's mother and father smiling fondly from the black and white confines of the photo. Pyro had ripped himself out of it, before deciding that he should just draw over himself in the other ones. The photo had been taken just a few days after Thomas had been born, and Pyro remembered wanting to hold him. Of course, being a clumsy five-year-old, his parents had naturally disallowed it. That explained why Pyro was frowning in the torn out bit. 

Said torn out bit was kept in a locker Pyro's mother had given him, as well as a lucky penny. Pyro kept the locker, and wore it at all times. He knew it was awfully cliche, but he always was a suckler for corny stuff like that. Pyro placed the photos back in the diary, then slid it underneath his mattress. He hoped he wouldn't wreck it or anything while he slept. Pyro decided to plan his next week.

He could be Pyro on the battlefield- Engie was hardly going to notice where an intern was during the battle, and he didn't eat with the team anyway, so he could be Kieren then. Gah, if only he had told Engie that he was leaving that day! Why did he have to do this to himself?!

It was getting late, almost dinner time. Pyro had to time this right. He had to go in as Pyro, grab his food and leave. Then he tosses it into the bin or out the window as he changes and goes back in as Kieren. Time to put the plan into action. 

Pyro undressed, slipping on his fireproof suit. The thing was a real bother sometimes. Pyro reached for his gasmask, but froze when his fingers found nothing. Of course. Pyro had almost forgotten the reason why he pretended to be Kieren in the first place. Compromising, Pyro spotted a large paper bag on the floor. It would have to do. Thank god he never threw anything out.

Pyro stuck his head underneath the bag, which reeked of popcorn. Pyro could hardly see out of it. Sighing, Pyro started cutting eye holes out of the bag, deciding to wear sunglasses underneath just for good measure. He then walked out of the room towards the mess hall. As usual, the only person there was Heavy, who was cooking tonight. The team had set up a roster for cooking after their last cook decided enough was enough and resigned. At first, everyone (except Pyro and Soldier, who everyone voted were most likely to burn the kitchen down) had a day to cook.

Now it was whittled down to only Sniper, Heavy, Engie and Spy cooking. Scout could only make sandwiches and cereal, Medic was god-awful at cooking, and Demo was drunk more often than not and almost caused an explosion in the kitchen. Sniper got Mondays, Heavy Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Engie Thursdays and Fridays and Spy weekends. Today was a Tuesday. 

Heavy could cook surprisingly well and Pyro thought it was rather a shame to waste it, so he only took a small serving then left. A costume change later, and the mess hall was far busier. Technically, everyone was supposed to stay in their class groups, but everyone really went wherever. Scout usually flitted from table to table, telling loud stories at the top of his lungs about baseball, murders, and everything in between. Medic sat almost on top of Heavy, fussing over the taller man and shooing his doves away when they got too close to the food. Soldier and Demo sat together, and Engineer alternated between sitting with Medic and Sniper. Spy sat alone if he wasn't being bothered by Scout. 

As Pyro entered the room, everyone went silent and stared at him. Sniper raised a curious eyebrow, and Pyro could practically feel the Medic scrutinising him. 

"Hi," he said, immediately wincing at how awkward he sounded, "I'm Kieren."

As luck would have it, Engie once again saved Pyro from an award encounter as he beckoned him over to the empty chair next to him. As soon as Pyro sat down, everyone resumed talking. 

"Thanks," he said, relief flooding his voice. Engineer chuckled.

"It's alright, partner. I could hardly let such a handsome man sit all on his lonesome."

Pyro smiled, as his heart skipped a beat.

Yep, definitely flirting.


End file.
